The thoughts of a Corvallis Wolf

I could walk through fire

2010-03-20T05:17:00.000-07:00

If you don't get it, don't worry about it. If you didn't know there was something to get, really don't worry about it, you don't over-analyze as much as some people.

I kinda feel lately like I could walk through fire and not get burned. I don't mean this in a "I feel invincible" kind of way. I mean it more in the way that I feel like I don't have much to get hurt with. I've been living vicariously through my dancing in the student show during the week leading up to Spring Break. Now that that's gone, I feel somewhat adrift. There's something very strange about making choreography. Also about learning someone else's choreography, but most especially making it. I feel like I adopted 5 children and we spent about 8 weeks deciding whether we all liked each other and would be willing to work together. Ultimately, we did, and it was wonderful, but now they're out of the house, so to speak, and I'm left with an empty nest. I feel almost a need to start working on new choreography, although in preparation for what, I don't know. I'd need some opportunity to set that choreography, naturally, otherwise it'd just be silly of me to even work through it. That having been said, despite not having an actual outlet for the choreography, I still kinda feel that compulsion.

I've been trying to work on my organ and piano for the recital, but it just doesn't quite feel the same working on someone else's composition. I think I need to find my own voice within it. In order to do that, however, I need to get past the actual playing of the notes, and it's quite challenging literature, honestly. I always felt like I was just talented and good at stuff, especially music. There's a fair amount of pride in my ability and I feel threatened that I may have overreached on this project. I'm a little scared that I won't be able to do as good of a job as I would expect of myself. I'm hoping that admitting this to myself is a starting point for getting past that fear. If I can admit that the possibility exists that I could not do as well as I want to, I can do the best I'm able to. I'm hoping that if I admit that I'm not that good now, I can work through until I am good at what I want to do. It's just hard to ever show that it isn't good. I've been building in excuses for myself, like not practicing enough, getting distracted and such, so that I won't be living up to my potential. I've been hamstringing my efforts because I'm afraid that what I want to be capable of is not the same as what I am actually capable of. Well, I think I should start to record myself playing and confront what I'm actually doing. Diagnose what I need to work on, and document my journey. I will do a great job, but only if I can use my time efficiently. I've set quite a high goal, but it's one I am capable of achieving. And I will show that starting tomorrow.

Breaking Point

2009-11-01T01:33:00.000-07:00

What I want is just to be held and told that I'm loved and that everything will be alright. That will not happen. There are very few people that I would let do this with me, and I know that this isn't an option with any of them. I'm just overwhelmed and just have to survive until the end of the semester. I've reached the point that I've got too much on my plate. I'll admit it. I'm not strong enough. I can't do more than what I'm doing now. I'll do less in the future, and I'll survive that way. For now, though, I'll just have to accept not being able to get what I want. So I'll have to repress the desire to have it happen. I'll push that aside and make peace with never letting anyone close again. I'm alone and always will be. I can't afford to let anyone close to me. They have other things going on, and do not, nor will ever have enough time for me and what I want. It is the way of things. So I won't let anyone get close. It's survival. I just can't do anything about it.

Restless

2009-07-20T03:10:00.000-07:00

I can't sleep right now. It's 3:11 AM, excuse me, 3:12 in the morning and I'm unable to sleep. Probably has something to do with having gone to sleep at 4 yesterday and woken up at about 2 in the afternoon today. But at any rate my mind is abuzz with thought. I'm thinking about a number of things, but most especially reflecting on how I was in the past and how I am now. What I want and what I had. What I will do and what I've done. I want to find some peace, and I want to find someone to help me find that peace. I want a strong woman, to be honest. I want someone I can argue with and lose every once in a while. I want someone who'll get jealous, who'll actually work to keep me in her life. I want someone I can be proud of, and I can be proud to be with. I want someone that is interesting and willing to discuss things. I want someone who won't just roll over. I want someone who'll keep up. I want someone who'll make my life more interesting. I want someone who is relatively well adjusted. I want someone who I can take care of, and would be willing to let me take care of, but it's not necessary. I don't want someone who's damaged goods. I want someone relatively mature. I want someone who can take care of herself, but would appreciate some help. I want someone who gives me options, not ultimatums. I want someone who has her own life. I want someone who plays it cool and makes me hunt her, but just the same keeps encouraging me. I want someone who doesn't mind that I'm geeky, doesn't mind that I have quirks, doesn't mind that I can be high maintenance. I want someone who's willing to put up with some of my needs. I want someone who'll tell me what she wants and expect me to provide as such. I want someone who can share what she wants with me without feeling like she's being pressed into it. I want someone who can share without feeling obligated, instead just willingly letting me in on a secret. I want someone sufficiently secure in herself that we can discuss things that may be sensitive subjects. I want someone who can talk religion, philosophy, music, dance, sports, or anything else with me. I want someone who can accept if she doesn't know something and will be willing to learn about it. I want someone who can teach me. I want someone who wants me in her life and is willing to put forth effort for it.

I Got Nothing

2009-05-14T02:52:00.000-07:00

No really,

I got Nothing right now.

If you needed something, I'm pretty much useless.
Not that I wouldn't try, I always do. Just that it never makes a difference with you anymore.
It'd be nice if I could help, if I could affect you, but it doesn't seem to matter.
The same thing just happens again and again.
That's what sucks the most. That's why I feel so Powerless.

Maybe

Maybe not, but I have to try, even if I don't know whether or not this will be the time you'll finally listen. I have to hope that one of these times it will all be worth it. I have to try. Even if, even if, even if.

I could go other directions, I could bide my time, I could drop out of the race and see where everyone else finishes, but that wouldn't be as satisfying. It wouldn't help me feel less powerless, more powerful, more like I Matter.

Maybe

Maybe I do matter, maybe it does make a difference after all, I just can't see it.

How much longer do I try to get what I want, when I don't know if you've already given up and succumbed to the same familiar traps. Maybe I should stay my mouth, and keep it shut against the truth spewing forth from my throat. From my fingers, from my soul. Perhaps it's not all for the best. Maybe I'm just agitating, maybe I'm just instigating, maybe.

Maybe.

I got nothing.

Passion

2009-05-08T22:37:00.000-07:00

Inspiration strikes unexpectedly
We are forced to follow the passion as it hits us
We are forced not to be forced
We are forced to be accept that which is thrust upon us,
that which is given to us freely,
that which we pull like teeth from other people's mouths as if we were slowly dying ourselves
that which makes no sense, much like the line before this one.
Unfortunately there is no way to determine the possibilities before we achieve,
Nor to discover the unfortunate consequences when we drift away from our purpose.
From our mind.
From our passion.
We are forced into plurality, into communalism, into communism,
into a tribe.

Who's to say that a tribe is a bad thing?
Who's to say that having support from those who love you is bad?
Who's to say that it's ok to trust people, though?
Who's to say that anyone may say
Will say?
Could say?
Won't say despite all possible pleading,
despite all possible invocations,
despite all possibilities.
Despite the inauthenticity of life, of that word, or my mind
Purely following the purity contained within the heart.

All for the sake of a woman,
of a companion.
Of a mate.
Why would a mate matter?
Why would companionship matter?
Why would love matter?
Why isn't it ok to be alone, to be afraid to be isolated from others?

Because others matter more than your own self sometimes.
Because you would do anything for another, if only she would ask,
although she won't.
Although she wouldn't.
Although she can't.

If only she could.

Oral Sex

2008-12-25T23:10:00.000-08:00

I swear it's just the first result from my StumbleUpon search for images. No, really. I didn't mean to juxtapose it with the last entry. That having been said, I can't say as I disagree with it as an idea. Of course, I don't think I know anyone who would give such a gift. I mean, I probably do, just given how many people I know, but I don't know who that person would be. That's all I mean. I suppose I could always make some guesses, but nothing really for certain. A large number of people would probably just be disgusted by the notion. I'm not entirely sure why and how people become disgusted by things, but that's probably because I'm not any kind of doctor or biologist or whatsoever you'd need to be to understand such things. Neurologist perhaps? Oh well, I just won't worry too much about it, eh?

Spoiler Alert

2008-12-22T21:30:00.000-08:00

Not really sure why, but it seemed an appropriate image. I've been contemplating the concept of a relationship. Nah, that's too pretentious. I've been thinking about dating lately. Mostly whether or not to do it, much less how to go about such an endeavor. I guess I'll just be pretentious tonight. Y'all can just deal. I suppose I have prospects. I mean, as much as I enjoy self-deprecation, I have to be honest. Women seem to be interested in me. I couldn't tell you why, so I shan't try to worry about it. So I have prospects. The second question is: do I have the time? I haven't during the semester, but that's only because I refused to make the time. If I really wanted to, I could certainly make the time. So that's not really an obstacle either. Are there women I'd be interested in as well as they being interested in me? There seem to be some, yes. But part of the problem is how much pressure I seem to put on myself when it comes to relationships. Maybe I should follow the advice of a friend and just have a relationship with no expectations of success or failure. Just date to date without trying to figure out if it would work first. I suppose it's entirely possible that given the time and energy just about any relationship could eventually work. Now I just need to grow some balls and ask someone out, eh?

Humbling Revelations

2008-07-19T01:07:00.000-07:00

So as all of my readers already probably know, I'm talking to you, red, I'm not a little bit narcissistic. I'm rather full of myself. I've come to the realization that although I thought I'd made progress on the subject, I'm still entirely too full of myself. I would rather run away from a situation, or simply fail horribly on my own, than ask for help from a peer. The main problem that this has for me is that it has a tendency to cripple relationships. It's terribly difficult to admit that I need help or ask anything of anyone, much less someone I need to impress as much as someone I'm dating. I end up doing remarkable things to try and fill my needs. I encourage women that I'm invested in to be strong, assertive women in the hopes that they won't let me push them away. If I can just manage to convince some woman to stand up to me, they won't let me isolate myself. Or so I help. It's pointless, obviously, to keep up this tactic, as I can't rely upon other people to help fix my problems, but I seem to keep trying. I can accept help from teachers or mentors, people I respect. Is it just that I'm so cocky that I can't respect anyone I perceive as a peer for fear that I'm not better than them? Do I define my peers as people that I'm better than? How terrible is that? I guess it really isn't enough to just admit that I'm that full of myself, I've got to actually put myself through situations in which I'm vulnerable and dependent upon someone else. I do have some people that I hope to be able to ask for help, but I don't know yet how well that will work out. The problem is first I have to admit to myself that I need help with something and find someone I can ask for help from. I know there are plenty of matches that way, but the hard part is admitting as much to myself.

How I Roll

2008-07-16T03:39:00.000-07:00

How I roll indeed. I expected perhaps some extremely geeky Stephen Hawking reference, but instead I get the possibly "street" version of graffiti. I suppose when it comes to self-expression, there's something to be said not for necessarily being yourself as much as just intentionally subverting subversion. I don't think that anyone minds subversion for subversion's sake. It isn't essential to life, just enjoyable. I'm rambling a bit tonight. Still trying to write, although I don't seem to have as much to say this evening. Maybe tomorrow will provide better inspiration. Among other things I'll be going to see Andrew Bird, and I'm sure his music will inspire something.

Stranded Railroad Tracks

2008-07-15T04:01:00.000-07:00

I can't really take any credit for this picture, I just found it on Fark.com. Good web page, that one. Check it out. Something about it just struck me. The premise of a railroad track that is no longer there, going nowhere, coming from nowhere. Just interesting. Somewhat of an allegory, if pushed hard enough. If your life is stuck in the middle of nowhere, without definition or purpose, it's highly unlikely that it will find its way anywhere significant. I wonder how many people would benefit from some simple advise that they would likely ignore. People are stubborn, and rarely if ever are willing to listen to just anybody. A good friend of mine in dance made a comment that suggested the attitude to me. He said that although he respected my knowledge of dance, before I started training with the same coach as him, he would've ignored any advice or comments I had about his dancing. Just conceited, I suppose. I've caught myself doing it as well. Fairly easy trap to fall into, but a trap nonetheless. I do find myself occasionally ignoring other's help on account of excessive self-assurance. Very troublesome, but I suppose I should've seen it coming. I'm trying to change, but it does take time and trial and error.

I Feel...Maybe Just Okay

2008-07-14T03:25:00.000-07:00

Maybe. I don't really know at this moment. I'm torn between a variety of thoughts. I still like to doubt myself as much as possible, it seems. Going to be hanging out with a girl I used to have a crush on, and find myself finding reasons why it won't work occasionally. Not necessarily for any particular reason, just finding reasons. I don't have time still. I can't make time in the future. She isn't interested, anyway. How would I know if she was. Maybe I don't want it to work, for some reason. I suppose to some extent I feel like I ought not to be in a relationship at the moment. Admittedly, we're just hanging out Tuesday, probably, and there are no obligations past that. Just spending some time together outside of dance. It's just weird. I don't know why I tend to do it, nor why I'm not spouting this out here, nor whether anyone is reading it, nor what they would think if they did. I just know that I'm writing it and I'm doubting myself and I don't really like it, but it won't stop.

Reports of Special Assistant Poor Law Commissioners on the Employment of Women and Children in Agriculture ... By Great Britain Poor Law Commissioners, Alfred Austin, James Graham

2008-07-06T23:51:00.000-07:00

Reports of Special Assistant Poor Law Commissioners on the Employment of Women and Children in Agriculture ... By Great Britain Poor Law Commissioners, Alfred Austin, James Graham: ""

WTF?

2008-04-20T23:35:00.000-07:00

No, seriously, I just don't understand. Am I just really unlucky or stupid? I mean, why is it that I only try to hang out with people that don't have the time for me? Or is it just that all my friends are really busy and I just shouldn't expect to hang out with anyone. Perhaps come summer it will change, but I'd really hoped to hang out with people before summer. Apparently I'm the only one that thinks that it'd be nice to relieve stress by finding time for friends. I assume, though, that they do find time to relax and hang out with people, just not me. I'd imagine some of this is the same kind of thing that I've been dealing with since I came to UNR. I mean, it's always been the case that people prefer hanging out with the people they have more history with. That's just what happens. As a non-local, I really don't have that history. I am thankful for Chris and Nicole, who usually find time to hang out with me, and of course Mike as we live together. It'd be nice to hang out with some of the other people in my life more often though. I think this is about to the point where I just accept that my hang out times will be rather infrequent and by lowering my expectations I'll lower my disappointment. Probably not the best approach, but considering how things have gone so far, I'll just have to deal with it, I suppose.

Thoughts on the Choir Trip

2008-04-13T23:33:00.000-07:00

So for those that don't know, I just finished getting back from a choir trip. I was thinking about this some, and realizing that there was a lot of socializing and fun that went on. Now to preface what I'm about to write, don't get me wrong, I did have a lot of fun. However, and that's not a small however, I clearly did not have as much fun as a lot of people on the trip did. Which is unfortunate. For one thing, I did my drinking in moderation, largely because I had to keep an eye on people. Now, I'm certainly not an alcoholic by any means, but I do enjoy being social with people and as uptight as I can tend to be, I don't mind loosening up a little. Probably for the best that I didn't loosen up too much, as there were at least a few women along on the trip that seem to have a vested interest in me. Unfortunately I don't necessarily return said interest. Especially when you add alcohol to the equation do things become more interesting, and I had to definitely do some damage control before things got out of hand. Partially as a result of this and some other things I didn't really get to focus very much on myself. So I spent time taking care of other people, as I always do. Inevitably this seems to be my lot in life. I would say custodian to other people's lives, but that seems to demean those people. I really just want to find someone that will take care of me, and help make sure that I make time for myself. I suppose I just need to find someone as compulsive about taking care of people as I am. That's kind of a problem, though, as inevitably any woman that similar to myself would be full of neuroses. Additionally, I'd need to find someone that would also be a match for some of my admittedly geeky past times. I am a music addict, enjoy playing video games, and follow more sports than I ought to. Until then, I'll just have to hang in there, eh?

Couldn't the Pennies be falling from Coulds instead?

2008-03-13T01:09:00.000-07:00

There seems to be quite a bit of wind outside my apartment at the moment. I can't help but think about my time back in Oregon on nights like this one. I'm nostalgic for the rainstorms we would have. I remember one especially when my mom had to run an errand to a downtown pharmacy, and my sister and I stayed in the car whilst the storm raged around us. There was a terrific downpour and tremendous thunder and lightning. It was definitely an enjoyable storm, but sadly these don't happen in Nevada. I've been thinking about my time back in high school as well, and may try to get back in touch with some of my old compatriots, I'm not sure. First, though, I need to survive this week, and then I'll see what I can do about history.

Girls

2008-03-10T02:14:00.000-07:00

The text reads: "Girls like me." "A lot." It does seem to be true, although I'm a little unsure exactly why. This does give me some hope, though, as it means girls aren't inherently gold-diggers. After all, I shan't be making much money. I've got the lucrative degree waiting for me of Music and Philosophy with a minor in Dance. It's all fun, and I'd love to share it with you, yes you, but it really won't make me much money. I've been thinking a lot about relationships lately, and whether I ought to get into one. Also, how my past relationships have been, and how those have shaped me as a person. I used to make excuses for myself as to why I shouldn't get into a relationship, like my sister didn't have a boyfriend, or my best friend didn't, and I didn't want to have something they didn't. Now they both are in relationships, and I could keep manufacturing excuses, but I don't think I want to. The hard part now, is finding someone I'm attracted to that is also attracted to me, as it seems that a lot of the girls that like me just don't strike my fancy, I'm sad to say. I know now how some of the girls I was interested in during my earlier days must have felt. It's kind of awkward to be the object of interest for someone that you don't return the affection for. It's a terribly selfish approach to self-conception, and also seems to breed arrogance. I find myself developing thoughts like that I ought to pick a good one, or at least I need to find someone of at least a certain level of physical attractiveness, as I have the capability. Really, though, I think it's more important to find someone that I really mesh with. It didn't work out the last time that I found someone like that, nor did it the first time, but that's not a good reason to stop trying. I've noticed that some girls seem to be showing more interest lately, and I'm not sure if it's a product of the season or what. It's also possible, considering the jokes some of my female friends have been making, and the timing of those jokes, that my new acceptance of alcohol has spurred them on. As if they were afraid of reconciling that part of their life with my former temperance. I'm no longer a teetotaler though, and it seems as though some girls hope that will help them get into my pants. Just have to keep an eye on it, eh? Anyway, there are a few girls that I think I mesh well with and am attracted to, for a variety of reasons, but we'll have to wait and see if I can find a return of that interest from them towards me. I've also realized that it isn't reasonable to expect someone else to make something I want to happen happen. I'm just going to have to muster the effort to pursue these ladies that I have my eyes set upon. One's got a boyfriend, one's rather shy, well two actually, and another I just really don't know that well yet, but I'm going to look into each, and see what I can find out.

Hey, what's so funny?

2008-02-19T00:13:00.000-08:00

Yuppies are not terribly wonderful, I will admit. Although the bunny is what most appealed to me about this postcard. Wonderful website, you should check it out, postcards i've made, quite a wonderful little collection of internet goodness. Something about the mindset changes, when one knows that one is being watched. It isn't enough of an impetus simply to write for writing's sake, but given an audience I'm driven to perform. If you give me feedback, I'll gladly dance to your or anyone else's tune for far longer than is healthy. And maybe that's for the best.

Thoughtstream

2008-01-05T22:49:00.000-08:00

I'm not really sure what I'm doing with my life besides nothing at the moment, endlessly repeating day to day daily mistakes and impishly pretending that my display is worth anything, rather than the nothing that it suffuses through my soul, the vacuous reality that has become my internal monologue and the lack thereof intelligent thought or stimulation, the void and oblivion that is just an excuse for a thesaurus or simply a display of masculine bravado through vocabulary and therefore knowledge or at least an attempt to woo the woe of my friends that I don't see these days while I lock myself in a room and sleep until I cannot anymore rather than waking up at a normal time and going out to play like a normal boy with normal friends and other people for stimulation instead of the internet that panders to my thoughts and desires the way that a book would pander should I have written it to be exactly what I want exactly what I need exactlyWhatItIsThatIWantToReadToSeeNoSurprisesNoSuspenseJustPureUnadulteratedThoughtsFromInsideMyHeadAndOutsideOfItAllMeshingTogetherIntoASwirlOf

something

Thoughts on Friendship and Fraternity

2007-11-19T00:13:00.000-08:00

Friendship is fickle thing, it seems. I hung out with a friend this weekend and she couldn't get a hold of any of her friends. So we hung out with one of mine. Although I could only find one person to hang out with myself. There are friends of mine that I consider to be quite dear to me, but I never see anymore. I don't know what I ought to do about it, but I'm trying to figure it out. I have another friend whom I hesitate to call a friend. She only occasionally acts friendly with me. She tells me that it's mostly because she's moody and that's why she doesn't seem as genial at times. I can't shake the feeling, though, that if I were actually a friend of hers, she'd treat me better even when she's out of sorts. Stress seems to be a common denominator of problems I've had with people in my life as of late. It has no connection between them and me, but our relationship manifests the problems from other areas of their life. It seems that I've had a lot of people venting their problems at me by instigating problems. Fraternity is different. Although there are speed bumps in the series of relationships we have, there's still an underlying theme of fraternity. There remains this loyalty that doesn't waver, despite troubles that may come. Although there's this sense of loyalty, it seems like these relationships are less rewarding. Maybe it's just because they are all with men, and I'm not seeking the approval of and interaction with men., but women.

Ataraxy

2007-11-13T01:06:00.000-08:00

No human will find their solace alone
Serenity comes from love and a friend
Peace by solitude never has been shown

The thoughts of loneliness will soon have flown
Walking with people all woe will transcend
No human will find their solace alone

The solution is one you've always known
Your pain, and this solution will now end
Peace by solitude never has been shown

Hope cannot be created by cologne
Friendship is like a garden that we tend
No human will find their solace alone

Isolation unseats us from our throne
Friendship is more than just letters to send
Peace by solitude never has been shown

You are more than just what that which you own
And your meaning lasts longer than a trend
No human will find their solace alone
Peace by solitude never has been shown

Laundry

2007-11-13T01:05:00.000-08:00

If I didn't wash
I would have no clothes to wear
Nakedness is bad

Feh

2007-11-11T02:47:00.000-08:00

It annoys me when people don't have their cell phones on them. It annoys me when I try to get a hold of people and my efforts aren't reciprocated. It annoys me when people make snippy remarks. It annoys me when I can't do what I want to do. Oh well, time to move on, it doesn't work to fixate on it, I just gotta move on and stop thinking so hard about it.

Weight

2007-11-08T00:42:00.000-08:00

The weight upon my shoulders
Weighs heavy on my mind
The files I put in folders
Often get left behind
I don't know when I'll get free
Nor when the nightmare will end
But I do know that I'll see
The wounds begin to mend

Life is pain, they tell me
All you do is pay the fee
You learn in a year
What it is you fear
But not how to escape
Just how to overload your plate
You tire and whine
But you'll do just fine
As long as you keep your head above water

On Music

2007-11-08T00:36:00.000-08:00

While waiting for my corn dog to finish cooking, I figured I'd jot down a few thoughts about music. First, there are few things that compare to music. In fact, this is the first problem, music is not a thing. What is music? What constitutes the emotional existence that occurs with the creation and enjoyment of music? How can we define simply the effect of the act of making music? It has been purported that we call the full experience of making music, listening to it, watching it, etc. should be known as "musicking." This would be an apt name for the total action and experience, but although it now has a name, we are no closer to any firm definition of just what music is. Music can be used as a tool, or it can be the most profoundly moving aspect of one's daily life. The act of making music must be among the highest virtues possible for a human being. However, it does not always live up to it's potential. People cannot always actualize their potential any more in the area of music than in any other area. It takes a special skill to fulfill the possibilities promised to any one person, and a certain set of circumstances to achieve this most divine state. However, we can glimpse this acme of human experience occasionally, just not consistently. It's these glimpses that give us reason to practice, and to persevere past the frustration, the lack of time. It's these glimpses that fuel the obsession.

A Musing

2007-11-05T00:47:00.000-08:00

How often I wonder when I will find peace within my own skin. There always seems to be something bothering me when idle. My only refuge comes from such a state of agitation as that an internal dialog is impossible. Do I just have a naturally conflicted state of mind? Am I one of the unfortunate multitude afflicted with a chemical imbalance in my brain that causes states of mental flux to pervade my existence? Were that to be the case I'm sure I'm too proud and steadfast to seek any significant help, choosing instead to convince myself of my own strength and ability to overcome any mental obstacle despite large amounts of trouble on the subject. I know I'm not the only one that would have such a problem, as others I know would be just as inflexible on the subject of gaining assistance from an outside source. Perhaps further musings will be more amusing, to pound home the point of the pun in the title, in case you were unaware of my intentions and affinity for puns. I'll try not to make it a habit, but as this location is primarily a self-serving blog, for my own reflection and mental health, I shall revel in my own lack of wit and occasional bursts of humor and veracity within my jumbled thoughts.