I could walk through fire

If you don't get it, don't worry about it. If you didn't know there was something to get, really don't worry about it, you don't over-analyze as much as some people.

I kinda feel lately like I could walk through fire and not get burned. I don't mean this in a "I feel invincible" kind of way. I mean it more in the way that I feel like I don't have much to get hurt with. I've been living vicariously through my dancing in the student show during the week leading up to Spring Break. Now that that's gone, I feel somewhat adrift. There's something very strange about making choreography. Also about learning someone else's choreography, but most especially making it. I feel like I adopted 5 children and we spent about 8 weeks deciding whether we all liked each other and would be willing to work together. Ultimately, we did, and it was wonderful, but now they're out of the house, so to speak, and I'm left with an empty nest. I feel almost a need to start working on new choreography, although in preparation for what, I don't know. I'd need some opportunity to set that choreography, naturally, otherwise it'd just be silly of me to even work through it. That having been said, despite not having an actual outlet for the choreography, I still kinda feel that compulsion.

I've been trying to work on my organ and piano for the recital, but it just doesn't quite feel the same working on someone else's composition. I think I need to find my own voice within it. In order to do that, however, I need to get past the actual playing of the notes, and it's quite challenging literature, honestly. I always felt like I was just talented and good at stuff, especially music. There's a fair amount of pride in my ability and I feel threatened that I may have overreached on this project. I'm a little scared that I won't be able to do as good of a job as I would expect of myself. I'm hoping that admitting this to myself is a starting point for getting past that fear. If I can admit that the possibility exists that I could not do as well as I want to, I can do the best I'm able to. I'm hoping that if I admit that I'm not that good now, I can work through until I am good at what I want to do. It's just hard to ever show that it isn't good. I've been building in excuses for myself, like not practicing enough, getting distracted and such, so that I won't be living up to my potential. I've been hamstringing my efforts because I'm afraid that what I want to be capable of is not the same as what I am actually capable of. Well, I think I should start to record myself playing and confront what I'm actually doing. Diagnose what I need to work on, and document my journey. I will do a great job, but only if I can use my time efficiently. I've set quite a high goal, but it's one I am capable of achieving. And I will show that starting tomorrow.