Humbling Revelations

So as all of my readers already probably know, I'm talking to you, red, I'm not a little bit narcissistic. I'm rather full of myself. I've come to the realization that although I thought I'd made progress on the subject, I'm still entirely too full of myself. I would rather run away from a situation, or simply fail horribly on my own, than ask for help from a peer. The main problem that this has for me is that it has a tendency to cripple relationships. It's terribly difficult to admit that I need help or ask anything of anyone, much less someone I need to impress as much as someone I'm dating. I end up doing remarkable things to try and fill my needs. I encourage women that I'm invested in to be strong, assertive women in the hopes that they won't let me push them away. If I can just manage to convince some woman to stand up to me, they won't let me isolate myself. Or so I help. It's pointless, obviously, to keep up this tactic, as I can't rely upon other people to help fix my problems, but I seem to keep trying. I can accept help from teachers or mentors, people I respect. Is it just that I'm so cocky that I can't respect anyone I perceive as a peer for fear that I'm not better than them? Do I define my peers as people that I'm better than? How terrible is that? I guess it really isn't enough to just admit that I'm that full of myself, I've got to actually put myself through situations in which I'm vulnerable and dependent upon someone else. I do have some people that I hope to be able to ask for help, but I don't know yet how well that will work out. The problem is first I have to admit to myself that I need help with something and find someone I can ask for help from. I know there are plenty of matches that way, but the hard part is admitting as much to myself.

How I Roll

How I roll indeed. I expected perhaps some extremely geeky Stephen Hawking reference, but instead I get the possibly "street" version of graffiti. I suppose when it comes to self-expression, there's something to be said not for necessarily being yourself as much as just intentionally subverting subversion. I don't think that anyone minds subversion for subversion's sake. It isn't essential to life, just enjoyable. I'm rambling a bit tonight. Still trying to write, although I don't seem to have as much to say this evening. Maybe tomorrow will provide better inspiration. Among other things I'll be going to see Andrew Bird, and I'm sure his music will inspire something.

Stranded Railroad Tracks

I can't really take any credit for this picture, I just found it on Fark.com. Good web page, that one. Check it out. Something about it just struck me. The premise of a railroad track that is no longer there, going nowhere, coming from nowhere. Just interesting. Somewhat of an allegory, if pushed hard enough. If your life is stuck in the middle of nowhere, without definition or purpose, it's highly unlikely that it will find its way anywhere significant. I wonder how many people would benefit from some simple advise that they would likely ignore. People are stubborn, and rarely if ever are willing to listen to just anybody. A good friend of mine in dance made a comment that suggested the attitude to me. He said that although he respected my knowledge of dance, before I started training with the same coach as him, he would've ignored any advice or comments I had about his dancing. Just conceited, I suppose. I've caught myself doing it as well. Fairly easy trap to fall into, but a trap nonetheless. I do find myself occasionally ignoring other's help on account of excessive self-assurance. Very troublesome, but I suppose I should've seen it coming. I'm trying to change, but it does take time and trial and error.

I Feel...Maybe Just Okay

Maybe. I don't really know at this moment. I'm torn between a variety of thoughts. I still like to doubt myself as much as possible, it seems. Going to be hanging out with a girl I used to have a crush on, and find myself finding reasons why it won't work occasionally. Not necessarily for any particular reason, just finding reasons. I don't have time still. I can't make time in the future. She isn't interested, anyway. How would I know if she was. Maybe I don't want it to work, for some reason. I suppose to some extent I feel like I ought not to be in a relationship at the moment. Admittedly, we're just hanging out Tuesday, probably, and there are no obligations past that. Just spending some time together outside of dance. It's just weird. I don't know why I tend to do it, nor why I'm not spouting this out here, nor whether anyone is reading it, nor what they would think if they did. I just know that I'm writing it and I'm doubting myself and I don't really like it, but it won't stop.

Reports of Special Assistant Poor Law Commissioners on the Employment of Women and Children in Agriculture ... By Great Britain Poor Law Commissioners, Alfred Austin, James Graham

Reports of Special Assistant Poor Law Commissioners on the Employment of Women and Children in Agriculture ... By Great Britain Poor Law Commissioners, Alfred Austin, James Graham: ""