Oral Sex

I swear it's just the first result from my StumbleUpon search for images. No, really. I didn't mean to juxtapose it with the last entry. That having been said, I can't say as I disagree with it as an idea. Of course, I don't think I know anyone who would give such a gift. I mean, I probably do, just given how many people I know, but I don't know who that person would be. That's all I mean. I suppose I could always make some guesses, but nothing really for certain. A large number of people would probably just be disgusted by the notion. I'm not entirely sure why and how people become disgusted by things, but that's probably because I'm not any kind of doctor or biologist or whatsoever you'd need to be to understand such things. Neurologist perhaps? Oh well, I just won't worry too much about it, eh?

Spoiler Alert

Not really sure why, but it seemed an appropriate image. I've been contemplating the concept of a relationship. Nah, that's too pretentious. I've been thinking about dating lately. Mostly whether or not to do it, much less how to go about such an endeavor. I guess I'll just be pretentious tonight. Y'all can just deal. I suppose I have prospects. I mean, as much as I enjoy self-deprecation, I have to be honest. Women seem to be interested in me. I couldn't tell you why, so I shan't try to worry about it. So I have prospects. The second question is: do I have the time? I haven't during the semester, but that's only because I refused to make the time. If I really wanted to, I could certainly make the time. So that's not really an obstacle either. Are there women I'd be interested in as well as they being interested in me? There seem to be some, yes. But part of the problem is how much pressure I seem to put on myself when it comes to relationships. Maybe I should follow the advice of a friend and just have a relationship with no expectations of success or failure. Just date to date without trying to figure out if it would work first. I suppose it's entirely possible that given the time and energy just about any relationship could eventually work. Now I just need to grow some balls and ask someone out, eh?

Humbling Revelations

So as all of my readers already probably know, I'm talking to you, red, I'm not a little bit narcissistic. I'm rather full of myself. I've come to the realization that although I thought I'd made progress on the subject, I'm still entirely too full of myself. I would rather run away from a situation, or simply fail horribly on my own, than ask for help from a peer. The main problem that this has for me is that it has a tendency to cripple relationships. It's terribly difficult to admit that I need help or ask anything of anyone, much less someone I need to impress as much as someone I'm dating. I end up doing remarkable things to try and fill my needs. I encourage women that I'm invested in to be strong, assertive women in the hopes that they won't let me push them away. If I can just manage to convince some woman to stand up to me, they won't let me isolate myself. Or so I help. It's pointless, obviously, to keep up this tactic, as I can't rely upon other people to help fix my problems, but I seem to keep trying. I can accept help from teachers or mentors, people I respect. Is it just that I'm so cocky that I can't respect anyone I perceive as a peer for fear that I'm not better than them? Do I define my peers as people that I'm better than? How terrible is that? I guess it really isn't enough to just admit that I'm that full of myself, I've got to actually put myself through situations in which I'm vulnerable and dependent upon someone else. I do have some people that I hope to be able to ask for help, but I don't know yet how well that will work out. The problem is first I have to admit to myself that I need help with something and find someone I can ask for help from. I know there are plenty of matches that way, but the hard part is admitting as much to myself.

How I Roll

How I roll indeed. I expected perhaps some extremely geeky Stephen Hawking reference, but instead I get the possibly "street" version of graffiti. I suppose when it comes to self-expression, there's something to be said not for necessarily being yourself as much as just intentionally subverting subversion. I don't think that anyone minds subversion for subversion's sake. It isn't essential to life, just enjoyable. I'm rambling a bit tonight. Still trying to write, although I don't seem to have as much to say this evening. Maybe tomorrow will provide better inspiration. Among other things I'll be going to see Andrew Bird, and I'm sure his music will inspire something.

Stranded Railroad Tracks

I can't really take any credit for this picture, I just found it on Fark.com. Good web page, that one. Check it out. Something about it just struck me. The premise of a railroad track that is no longer there, going nowhere, coming from nowhere. Just interesting. Somewhat of an allegory, if pushed hard enough. If your life is stuck in the middle of nowhere, without definition or purpose, it's highly unlikely that it will find its way anywhere significant. I wonder how many people would benefit from some simple advise that they would likely ignore. People are stubborn, and rarely if ever are willing to listen to just anybody. A good friend of mine in dance made a comment that suggested the attitude to me. He said that although he respected my knowledge of dance, before I started training with the same coach as him, he would've ignored any advice or comments I had about his dancing. Just conceited, I suppose. I've caught myself doing it as well. Fairly easy trap to fall into, but a trap nonetheless. I do find myself occasionally ignoring other's help on account of excessive self-assurance. Very troublesome, but I suppose I should've seen it coming. I'm trying to change, but it does take time and trial and error.

I Feel...Maybe Just Okay

Maybe. I don't really know at this moment. I'm torn between a variety of thoughts. I still like to doubt myself as much as possible, it seems. Going to be hanging out with a girl I used to have a crush on, and find myself finding reasons why it won't work occasionally. Not necessarily for any particular reason, just finding reasons. I don't have time still. I can't make time in the future. She isn't interested, anyway. How would I know if she was. Maybe I don't want it to work, for some reason. I suppose to some extent I feel like I ought not to be in a relationship at the moment. Admittedly, we're just hanging out Tuesday, probably, and there are no obligations past that. Just spending some time together outside of dance. It's just weird. I don't know why I tend to do it, nor why I'm not spouting this out here, nor whether anyone is reading it, nor what they would think if they did. I just know that I'm writing it and I'm doubting myself and I don't really like it, but it won't stop.

Reports of Special Assistant Poor Law Commissioners on the Employment of Women and Children in Agriculture ... By Great Britain Poor Law Commissioners, Alfred Austin, James Graham

Reports of Special Assistant Poor Law Commissioners on the Employment of Women and Children in Agriculture ... By Great Britain Poor Law Commissioners, Alfred Austin, James Graham: ""

WTF?

No, seriously, I just don't understand. Am I just really unlucky or stupid? I mean, why is it that I only try to hang out with people that don't have the time for me? Or is it just that all my friends are really busy and I just shouldn't expect to hang out with anyone. Perhaps come summer it will change, but I'd really hoped to hang out with people before summer. Apparently I'm the only one that thinks that it'd be nice to relieve stress by finding time for friends. I assume, though, that they do find time to relax and hang out with people, just not me. I'd imagine some of this is the same kind of thing that I've been dealing with since I came to UNR. I mean, it's always been the case that people prefer hanging out with the people they have more history with. That's just what happens. As a non-local, I really don't have that history. I am thankful for Chris and Nicole, who usually find time to hang out with me, and of course Mike as we live together. It'd be nice to hang out with some of the other people in my life more often though. I think this is about to the point where I just accept that my hang out times will be rather infrequent and by lowering my expectations I'll lower my disappointment. Probably not the best approach, but considering how things have gone so far, I'll just have to deal with it, I suppose.

Thoughts on the Choir Trip

So for those that don't know, I just finished getting back from a choir trip. I was thinking about this some, and realizing that there was a lot of socializing and fun that went on. Now to preface what I'm about to write, don't get me wrong, I did have a lot of fun. However, and that's not a small however, I clearly did not have as much fun as a lot of people on the trip did. Which is unfortunate. For one thing, I did my drinking in moderation, largely because I had to keep an eye on people. Now, I'm certainly not an alcoholic by any means, but I do enjoy being social with people and as uptight as I can tend to be, I don't mind loosening up a little. Probably for the best that I didn't loosen up too much, as there were at least a few women along on the trip that seem to have a vested interest in me. Unfortunately I don't necessarily return said interest. Especially when you add alcohol to the equation do things become more interesting, and I had to definitely do some damage control before things got out of hand. Partially as a result of this and some other things I didn't really get to focus very much on myself. So I spent time taking care of other people, as I always do. Inevitably this seems to be my lot in life. I would say custodian to other people's lives, but that seems to demean those people. I really just want to find someone that will take care of me, and help make sure that I make time for myself. I suppose I just need to find someone as compulsive about taking care of people as I am. That's kind of a problem, though, as inevitably any woman that similar to myself would be full of neuroses. Additionally, I'd need to find someone that would also be a match for some of my admittedly geeky past times. I am a music addict, enjoy playing video games, and follow more sports than I ought to. Until then, I'll just have to hang in there, eh?

Couldn't the Pennies be falling from Coulds instead?

There seems to be quite a bit of wind outside my apartment at the moment. I can't help but think about my time back in Oregon on nights like this one. I'm nostalgic for the rainstorms we would have. I remember one especially when my mom had to run an errand to a downtown pharmacy, and my sister and I stayed in the car whilst the storm raged around us. There was a terrific downpour and tremendous thunder and lightning. It was definitely an enjoyable storm, but sadly these don't happen in Nevada. I've been thinking about my time back in high school as well, and may try to get back in touch with some of my old compatriots, I'm not sure. First, though, I need to survive this week, and then I'll see what I can do about history.

Girls

The text reads: "Girls like me." "A lot." It does seem to be true, although I'm a little unsure exactly why. This does give me some hope, though, as it means girls aren't inherently gold-diggers. After all, I shan't be making much money. I've got the lucrative degree waiting for me of Music and Philosophy with a minor in Dance. It's all fun, and I'd love to share it with you, yes you, but it really won't make me much money. I've been thinking a lot about relationships lately, and whether I ought to get into one. Also, how my past relationships have been, and how those have shaped me as a person. I used to make excuses for myself as to why I shouldn't get into a relationship, like my sister didn't have a boyfriend, or my best friend didn't, and I didn't want to have something they didn't. Now they both are in relationships, and I could keep manufacturing excuses, but I don't think I want to. The hard part now, is finding someone I'm attracted to that is also attracted to me, as it seems that a lot of the girls that like me just don't strike my fancy, I'm sad to say. I know now how some of the girls I was interested in during my earlier days must have felt. It's kind of awkward to be the object of interest for someone that you don't return the affection for. It's a terribly selfish approach to self-conception, and also seems to breed arrogance. I find myself developing thoughts like that I ought to pick a good one, or at least I need to find someone of at least a certain level of physical attractiveness, as I have the capability. Really, though, I think it's more important to find someone that I really mesh with. It didn't work out the last time that I found someone like that, nor did it the first time, but that's not a good reason to stop trying. I've noticed that some girls seem to be showing more interest lately, and I'm not sure if it's a product of the season or what. It's also possible, considering the jokes some of my female friends have been making, and the timing of those jokes, that my new acceptance of alcohol has spurred them on. As if they were afraid of reconciling that part of their life with my former temperance. I'm no longer a teetotaler though, and it seems as though some girls hope that will help them get into my pants. Just have to keep an eye on it, eh? Anyway, there are a few girls that I think I mesh well with and am attracted to, for a variety of reasons, but we'll have to wait and see if I can find a return of that interest from them towards me. I've also realized that it isn't reasonable to expect someone else to make something I want to happen happen. I'm just going to have to muster the effort to pursue these ladies that I have my eyes set upon. One's got a boyfriend, one's rather shy, well two actually, and another I just really don't know that well yet, but I'm going to look into each, and see what I can find out.

Hey, what's so funny?

Yuppies are not terribly wonderful, I will admit. Although the bunny is what most appealed to me about this postcard. Wonderful website, you should check it out, postcards i've made, quite a wonderful little collection of internet goodness. Something about the mindset changes, when one knows that one is being watched. It isn't enough of an impetus simply to write for writing's sake, but given an audience I'm driven to perform. If you give me feedback, I'll gladly dance to your or anyone else's tune for far longer than is healthy. And maybe that's for the best.

Thoughtstream

I'm not really sure what I'm doing with my life besides nothing at the moment, endlessly repeating day to day daily mistakes and impishly pretending that my display is worth anything, rather than the nothing that it suffuses through my soul, the vacuous reality that has become my internal monologue and the lack thereof intelligent thought or stimulation, the void and oblivion that is just an excuse for a thesaurus or simply a display of masculine bravado through vocabulary and therefore knowledge or at least an attempt to woo the woe of my friends that I don't see these days while I lock myself in a room and sleep until I cannot anymore rather than waking up at a normal time and going out to play like a normal boy with normal friends and other people for stimulation instead of the internet that panders to my thoughts and desires the way that a book would pander should I have written it to be exactly what I want exactly what I need exactlyWhatItIsThatIWantToReadToSeeNoSurprisesNoSuspenseJustPureUnadulteratedThoughtsFromInsideMyHeadAndOutsideOfItAllMeshingTogetherIntoASwirlOf

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