I could walk through fire

If you don't get it, don't worry about it. If you didn't know there was something to get, really don't worry about it, you don't over-analyze as much as some people.

I kinda feel lately like I could walk through fire and not get burned. I don't mean this in a "I feel invincible" kind of way. I mean it more in the way that I feel like I don't have much to get hurt with. I've been living vicariously through my dancing in the student show during the week leading up to Spring Break. Now that that's gone, I feel somewhat adrift. There's something very strange about making choreography. Also about learning someone else's choreography, but most especially making it. I feel like I adopted 5 children and we spent about 8 weeks deciding whether we all liked each other and would be willing to work together. Ultimately, we did, and it was wonderful, but now they're out of the house, so to speak, and I'm left with an empty nest. I feel almost a need to start working on new choreography, although in preparation for what, I don't know. I'd need some opportunity to set that choreography, naturally, otherwise it'd just be silly of me to even work through it. That having been said, despite not having an actual outlet for the choreography, I still kinda feel that compulsion.

I've been trying to work on my organ and piano for the recital, but it just doesn't quite feel the same working on someone else's composition. I think I need to find my own voice within it. In order to do that, however, I need to get past the actual playing of the notes, and it's quite challenging literature, honestly. I always felt like I was just talented and good at stuff, especially music. There's a fair amount of pride in my ability and I feel threatened that I may have overreached on this project. I'm a little scared that I won't be able to do as good of a job as I would expect of myself. I'm hoping that admitting this to myself is a starting point for getting past that fear. If I can admit that the possibility exists that I could not do as well as I want to, I can do the best I'm able to. I'm hoping that if I admit that I'm not that good now, I can work through until I am good at what I want to do. It's just hard to ever show that it isn't good. I've been building in excuses for myself, like not practicing enough, getting distracted and such, so that I won't be living up to my potential. I've been hamstringing my efforts because I'm afraid that what I want to be capable of is not the same as what I am actually capable of. Well, I think I should start to record myself playing and confront what I'm actually doing. Diagnose what I need to work on, and document my journey. I will do a great job, but only if I can use my time efficiently. I've set quite a high goal, but it's one I am capable of achieving. And I will show that starting tomorrow.

Breaking Point

What I want is just to be held and told that I'm loved and that everything will be alright. That will not happen. There are very few people that I would let do this with me, and I know that this isn't an option with any of them. I'm just overwhelmed and just have to survive until the end of the semester. I've reached the point that I've got too much on my plate. I'll admit it. I'm not strong enough. I can't do more than what I'm doing now. I'll do less in the future, and I'll survive that way. For now, though, I'll just have to accept not being able to get what I want. So I'll have to repress the desire to have it happen. I'll push that aside and make peace with never letting anyone close again. I'm alone and always will be. I can't afford to let anyone close to me. They have other things going on, and do not, nor will ever have enough time for me and what I want. It is the way of things. So I won't let anyone get close. It's survival. I just can't do anything about it.

Restless

I can't sleep right now. It's 3:11 AM, excuse me, 3:12 in the morning and I'm unable to sleep. Probably has something to do with having gone to sleep at 4 yesterday and woken up at about 2 in the afternoon today. But at any rate my mind is abuzz with thought. I'm thinking about a number of things, but most especially reflecting on how I was in the past and how I am now. What I want and what I had. What I will do and what I've done. I want to find some peace, and I want to find someone to help me find that peace. I want a strong woman, to be honest. I want someone I can argue with and lose every once in a while. I want someone who'll get jealous, who'll actually work to keep me in her life. I want someone I can be proud of, and I can be proud to be with. I want someone that is interesting and willing to discuss things. I want someone who won't just roll over. I want someone who'll keep up. I want someone who'll make my life more interesting. I want someone who is relatively well adjusted. I want someone who I can take care of, and would be willing to let me take care of, but it's not necessary. I don't want someone who's damaged goods. I want someone relatively mature. I want someone who can take care of herself, but would appreciate some help. I want someone who gives me options, not ultimatums. I want someone who has her own life. I want someone who plays it cool and makes me hunt her, but just the same keeps encouraging me. I want someone who doesn't mind that I'm geeky, doesn't mind that I have quirks, doesn't mind that I can be high maintenance. I want someone who's willing to put up with some of my needs. I want someone who'll tell me what she wants and expect me to provide as such. I want someone who can share what she wants with me without feeling like she's being pressed into it. I want someone who can share without feeling obligated, instead just willingly letting me in on a secret. I want someone sufficiently secure in herself that we can discuss things that may be sensitive subjects. I want someone who can talk religion, philosophy, music, dance, sports, or anything else with me. I want someone who can accept if she doesn't know something and will be willing to learn about it. I want someone who can teach me. I want someone who wants me in her life and is willing to put forth effort for it.

I Got Nothing

No really,

I got Nothing right now.

If you needed something, I'm pretty much useless.
Not that I wouldn't try, I always do. Just that it never makes a difference with you anymore.
It'd be nice if I could help, if I could affect you, but it doesn't seem to matter.
The same thing just happens again and again.
That's what sucks the most. That's why I feel so Powerless.

Maybe

Maybe not, but I have to try, even if I don't know whether or not this will be the time you'll finally listen. I have to hope that one of these times it will all be worth it. I have to try. Even if, even if, even if.

I could go other directions, I could bide my time, I could drop out of the race and see where everyone else finishes, but that wouldn't be as satisfying. It wouldn't help me feel less powerless, more powerful, more like I Matter.

Maybe

Maybe I do matter, maybe it does make a difference after all, I just can't see it.

How much longer do I try to get what I want, when I don't know if you've already given up and succumbed to the same familiar traps. Maybe I should stay my mouth, and keep it shut against the truth spewing forth from my throat. From my fingers, from my soul. Perhaps it's not all for the best. Maybe I'm just agitating, maybe I'm just instigating, maybe.

Maybe.

I got nothing.

Passion

Inspiration strikes unexpectedly
We are forced to follow the passion as it hits us
We are forced not to be forced
We are forced to be accept that which is thrust upon us,
that which is given to us freely,
that which we pull like teeth from other people's mouths as if we were slowly dying ourselves
that which makes no sense, much like the line before this one.
Unfortunately there is no way to determine the possibilities before we achieve,
Nor to discover the unfortunate consequences when we drift away from our purpose.
From our mind.
From our passion.
We are forced into plurality, into communalism, into communism,
into a tribe.

Who's to say that a tribe is a bad thing?
Who's to say that having support from those who love you is bad?
Who's to say that it's ok to trust people, though?
Who's to say that anyone may say
Will say?
Could say?
Won't say despite all possible pleading,
despite all possible invocations,
despite all possibilities.
Despite the inauthenticity of life, of that word, or my mind
Purely following the purity contained within the heart.

All for the sake of a woman,
of a companion.
Of a mate.
Why would a mate matter?
Why would companionship matter?
Why would love matter?
Why isn't it ok to be alone, to be afraid to be isolated from others?

Because others matter more than your own self sometimes.
Because you would do anything for another, if only she would ask,
although she won't.
Although she wouldn't.
Although she can't.

If only she could.

Oral Sex

I swear it's just the first result from my StumbleUpon search for images. No, really. I didn't mean to juxtapose it with the last entry. That having been said, I can't say as I disagree with it as an idea. Of course, I don't think I know anyone who would give such a gift. I mean, I probably do, just given how many people I know, but I don't know who that person would be. That's all I mean. I suppose I could always make some guesses, but nothing really for certain. A large number of people would probably just be disgusted by the notion. I'm not entirely sure why and how people become disgusted by things, but that's probably because I'm not any kind of doctor or biologist or whatsoever you'd need to be to understand such things. Neurologist perhaps? Oh well, I just won't worry too much about it, eh?

Spoiler Alert

Not really sure why, but it seemed an appropriate image. I've been contemplating the concept of a relationship. Nah, that's too pretentious. I've been thinking about dating lately. Mostly whether or not to do it, much less how to go about such an endeavor. I guess I'll just be pretentious tonight. Y'all can just deal. I suppose I have prospects. I mean, as much as I enjoy self-deprecation, I have to be honest. Women seem to be interested in me. I couldn't tell you why, so I shan't try to worry about it. So I have prospects. The second question is: do I have the time? I haven't during the semester, but that's only because I refused to make the time. If I really wanted to, I could certainly make the time. So that's not really an obstacle either. Are there women I'd be interested in as well as they being interested in me? There seem to be some, yes. But part of the problem is how much pressure I seem to put on myself when it comes to relationships. Maybe I should follow the advice of a friend and just have a relationship with no expectations of success or failure. Just date to date without trying to figure out if it would work first. I suppose it's entirely possible that given the time and energy just about any relationship could eventually work. Now I just need to grow some balls and ask someone out, eh?